Of course I can tell you the correct date and even the exact time when I lost my wife. But for simplicity’s sake, let us just state that it was a couple of months ago. It was sudden and with almost no time to prepare. In other words, it came as a total shock, both for me and for her immediate family.
I guess we all have our own way of dealing with loss and grief. The first weeks most of my time was consumed by taking care of practical things and whenever there was time to spare, I cried. I don’t know how there can be room for so many tears in the tear gland. But when there’s a cause for them I guess tears are infinite.
Everything suddenly lost all its meaning, its importance. Before I could spend a complete day just writing, listening to music, watching movies and reading books. Sometimes she hated it but I still felt her support for my passion and my hobbies. To paraphrase the Chicago song a bit, she was truly the meaning in my life and my inspiration. Everything I did, I did for her and because of her.
Now she’s gone and I have to force myself to go on with whatever hobbies I had before. There’s been a handful of texts coming out of my system. A couple of reviews and a few poems dedicated to her. The latter ones still seem inspired because I wrote them for her, but they’re also rather private and meant for my eyes only or for the immediate family.
I have slowly come back to writing a little bit but it will take time for me to come back to writing several reviews a week or publishing something every day, which was my ambition. I’m just not there and I don’t see an easy path going forward. I have problems concentrating myself, both on whatever my ambition tells me to review and during the writing process itself.
With that said, I’m grateful that you bear with me. I try to make every text and review matter and I still want to continue on in my style, honest reviews that reflect my ambition to combine essayism and criticism from a historical angle.
